I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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