The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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