Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
