Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
