I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
