Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
