My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
