So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
