Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
