Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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