My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
