I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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