I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
