Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
