Your face is a jimmy john
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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