Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
