Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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