Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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