Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
