It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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