Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
