Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
