I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
as a side note pls kill me
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
