i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my sisters under your porch take her home
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
