it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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