I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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