I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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