I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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