I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
