I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
