everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
