carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
