i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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