wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
me + whiskey = a bad person
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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