I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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