i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
as a side note pls kill me
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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