The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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