so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
