Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
