You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
