So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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