Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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