I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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