We named our party play list daddy issues
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
