I'll bet she douches with gravy.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
