Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
