Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
