Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I would fuck him just for his dog
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
