I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
