Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
