So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I believe in your delicious
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
